The Whole Length of Vietnam, One Plastic Stool at a Time
Hanoi to Saigon in three weeks with my husband Dave, who swore he wasn't buying anything this trip. Final score: me 2, Dave 1, the suit undefeated.
Hanoi: Cross Like You Mean It (Days 1-7)
Landed at Nội Bài at 11 PM into air you could wring out like a dish towel, and the airport AC was, as ever, a lie about the country beyond it. Bus 86 into the Old Quarter costs 45,000 VND ($1.75) each; Dave lobbied hard for a Grab at ten times that and lost, so the trip scoreboard opened at me 1, Dave 0. Nexy Hostel (private room, 750,000 VND/$29 a night) put us a ten-minute walk from Hoàn Kiếm Lake, close enough to do the lake loop before the heat got serious. The Old Quarter itself is the best unpaid design brief I've ever walked through: ochre plaster peeling back to grey, green shutters, black power lines knotted over every corner like bad cable management. Phở Gia Truyền at 49 Bát Đàn (60,000 VND/$2.30) had thirty locals queuing at 7 AM and no real menu; you say tái or chín, pay, and sit where the lady points. Egg coffee at Café Giảng (35,000 VND/$1.35) tastes like drinking tiramisu from an espresso cup. Dave's main contribution to week one was freezing mid-crossing on Hàng Gai and getting escorted back to the kerb by a fruit seller half his size.
Don't run and don't stop. The bikes have already decided to miss you.
— The receptionist at our Hanoi hostel, delivering the only traffic advice we ever needed
Hoi An: The Town That Measured Dave (Days 8-13)
Sunflower Hotel in Hoi An (private double, 500,000 VND/$19, with a breakfast buffet Dave treated as a personal challenge) was the recovery we needed after the sleeper bus from Hanoi: 550,000 VND ($21) each, sixteen hours, bunks built for someone a foot shorter than my 6'1" husband. He had voted to fly to Da Nang for double the price and spent the whole ride not saying I told you so, which counts as saying it. Scoreboard: 1-1. The Old Town ticket (120,000 VND/$4.60) covers five sights including the Japanese Covered Bridge, and the yellow of the shophouse walls is a very specific yellow, turmeric with a sunburn, that I have failed to reproduce in three different apps. Bánh Mì Phượng (40,000 VND/$1.55) still has the queue and still deserves it. Then Dave, a man who packed one "nice shirt" as formalwear insurance, walked into BeBe Tailor for a look and came out 48 hours and two fittings later with a made-to-measure suit for 4,500,000 VND ($173). He regrets nothing. Neither do I, honestly; the man looks good.
Saigon: Twelve Million Motorbikes and One Noodle Cart (Days 14-21)
The Common Room Project in District 1 (650,000 VND/$25 a night for a private room) sits close enough to Bùi Viện to hear it and far enough away to sleep. We flew Da Nang to Ho Chi Minh City on VietJet for 780,000 VND ($30) each, and at Tân Sơn Nhất I found the 109 bus into town for 15,000 VND ($0.60) while Dave was still pricing Grabs: me 2, Dave 1, and that's the final whistle. A morning at the War Remnants Museum (40,000 VND/$1.55) took most of our lunchtime conversation with it; go, but don't schedule anything cheerful straight afterwards. The best meal of the trip cost 30,000 VND ($1.15) at a hủ tiếu gõ cart near Cô Giang street: a masked vendor working two pots between yellow buckets, pork-bone broth, chewy rice noodles, and a plastic stool in a colour I can only describe as safety-red. Dave went back without me the next night and now refers to it, with a straight face, as "his place."
The verdict: 21 days, two people, north to south
What we learned
Cross the street at a steady pace and never step backwards. Your job is to be predictable; the bikes do the rest.
Take the sleeper bus once for the story, then fly. Anyone over 5'10" will fold like a deckchair.
Carry small notes. Handing a noodle cart a 500,000 VND note is an act of aggression.
Start tailor fittings on your first day in Hoi An, not your third; good work takes two visits. The suit fits, by the way. Dave wants that on the record.
